ABOUT ME.

Hi! My name is Peter. I’m kinda shy but once you know me I’m pretty hyper.

I’ve never stood out as a great person… I’ve been told I’m nice. But what does that really mean coming from most people? A nice person is someone that say thank you to their waitress and holds the door open for the person behind them. It doesn’t take much effort to be a “nice person.” My whole life I’ve known peers that have just radiated positive emotions. I know people that are just a pleasure to be around no matter what- always pleasant and encouraging. I strive to be one of these people, but I always fall short.

Lately I’ve noticed that I don’t seem to have a very positive effect on the people around me. I try to be someone that is always encouraging others, but I just don’t seem to be capable of the task. I always have a positive outlook on life. I can’t remember the last time I got upset over anything. I don’t like to complain about things or about other people. I don’t even like to think thoughts that are negative towards anyone. On paper, it seems like I’m doing everything right, but in reality, I don’t see those this positive outlook being reflected on the ones around me.

I used to be extremely extroverted when I was younger. I would annoy all of my teachers because I couldn’t stop talking. I thrived on my relationships with my friends. But somewhere in high school, that changed. I grew apart from most of my friends, and I quit being as outgoing as I once was. In fact, I felt a strong urge to get away from everyone I knew. So I could escape from the place where I grew up.

Now and I’m starting to learn some things about myself that I didn’t know before. I’m starting to realize how hard it is for me to make friends. Now, looking back, I feel like they never really liked me. Every time I reminisce the memories of my times spent with friends, I see that I was the person nobody really wanted to deal with. I was a downer. I did things that upset the people I was close to. I hate the way I acted, and I don’t want to be like that anymore, but I don’t seem to have a choice. No matter what I do, I keep making the same mistakes and acting like a jerk.

I don’t talk very much anymore. I try to avoid conversation, actually I somewhat fear it. I purposefully avoid people so I won’t have to put on a fake smile an think of small talk. I walk by people I know and pretend not to see them so I won’t have to put on that fake face to say hello. I feel obligated to talk to the friends I have. The only time I want to start a conversation is when I need something from someone.

I’ve keep reading posts on here that say that one should be happy with one’s self, and I am content with being by myself. That’s what I have been focused on for the last 2 months or so. I ended a relationship with one of my most trusted friends (of the opposite sex) and I have been focusing on growing myself as an independent person. But there is a dark side to this. I am losing touch with other people. My mantra is to love everyone, but that doesn’t seem to work. There isn’t anyone that I dislike, but there is nobody that I really love. Everyone is in this neutral zone (Obviously I have persons that I love more than anything in the whole world). I can’t appreciate people for who they are, and I feel disconnected from them. I feel that the people who know me feel obligated to talk to me. I mean, I wouldn’t want to talk to me. I want to change who I am and how I act, but I can’t. Every time I feel like I have made progress I realize that I haven’t changed at all. I haven’t changed since 5th grade. I don’t want to be the person that pisses everyone off. I want to be the one that encourages everyone around them. I just can’t do that though, it just doesn’t seem to be in me. Every passing minute is another chance to turn things around…

But if you think I’m an asshole. Know that I’m jealous of you.
Yours truly,

A jealous asshole.